Why Can't I Find Any Braaaaaaaains? - By Matty Jacobson

THE SKEWED REVIEW -- Someone has to put his foot down and say “enough is enough,” and that someone is me.

According to the Oct. 25, 2011 “Business Insider” article titled “Zombies Are Worth Over $5 Billion To The American Economy,” zombies are, as the article title clearly states, quite lucrative for the United Sates.

Now I’m all for making money, but can’t we find another way to do it? I’m about four flesh-eating shuffles away from creating an Occupy Zombieland movement.

And yes, an Occupy Zombieland would have just as much (if not more so) direction than Occupy Wall Street. To all those occupiers out there, I’m rating you with five and a half doses of common sense, as well as an order for each of you to write me an email consisting of just one paragraph on what your goal is.

I’ll be able to get through them all. Besides, even if I get millions of emails, the protestors will probably still be in their tents waiting for, well, who knows what.

Despite the funds being processed by brain-slurping corpses, I have to stand up and protest. I’m not the walking dead, so why do I feel like I’m getting zombie flesh shoved down my throat every where I go?

Please don’t write me a letter. I know zombies don’t eat other zombies.

And if you immediately thought: “Well, he’s misinformed. Zombies only eat the living,” then you, my friend, are part of the problem. It’s that kind of knee-jerk reaction to the zombie culture that’s got me calling for people to utilize their brains for more than just a snack. I think we all need to learn how to survive the zombie apocalypse apocalypse. Follow these three guidelines and you just might make it until we find the cure.

Don’t be a zombie when it comes to zombies!

You know you’re up against a real epidemic when the Center for Disease Control gets involved. It’s no secret that the CDC, in an effort to utilize the zombie craze in order to educate people, released a tip sheet on how to survive a zombie apocalypse. The zombie task force tip sheet can be found at www.cdcfoundation.org/zombies.

Actually, the tip sheet is just the same old tip sheet for every other emergency. It’s just headed up with a preamble stating: “There are all kinds of emergencies out there that we can prepare for. So what do you need to do before zombies…or hurricanes or pandemics for example, actually happen?”

The CDC gets a rating of two out of two hands washed on every human being in the nation for one whole year because they attempted to educate in an entertaining way.

But I guess the CDC officials assumed, as did I, that people were smart enough to know there wasn’t an actual zombie apocalypse on the horizon. I actually had someone tell me that zombies were a real threat because the CDC released a report on them.

Really? If you find you’re actually believing zombies are a real thing, then I can only assume you’re going to be safe if an apocalypse happens. Why? Because zombies want brains.

Stop encouraging them!

Look, when you start throwing your money at a product, and it doesn’t really evolve that much, then I would suggest you start throwing your money elsewhere. We’re not all shelling out half a grand for an iPhone 1, are we? So why do we keep a genre going that’s more or less dead people roaming around eating live people?

As much as I hate vampires, I at least have to give it to all the people who keep reimagining the concept. But there’s no amount of sunlight that’ll make a zombie’s skin sparkle. When all is said and done, zombies are little more than hungry, infectious animals.

And I’ve yet to read or watch a zombie story that isn’t about the 1 percent of survivors trying to stay alive against the 99 percent of zombies.

Oh snap. I wonder if that’s how the Wall Street people see it?

If you find the same thing entertaining, even when repeated over and over, then I guess I just have sympathy for you. There’s not a Skewed Review in the world that could possibly represent how sad I am you’re that easily entertained.

If you’re going to continue supporting the zombie movement, at least demand something different, which brings us to the last guideline.

Broaden your horizons!

Don’t get so stuck on one thing that you can’t see other things for their value. I’m a prime example for this because my heroine is Lady Gaga. Sometimes I have such tunnel vision for her beautiful ugliness that I fail to see or hear anything else.

And trust me when I say when I bring up Gaga, people start to roll their eyes and turn off their ears. Guess what? The rest of us are doing that to those of you obsessed with zombies.

I’m not telling you to stop liking “Night of the Living Dead,” or “Zombieland,” but I am telling you there’s more to life than just soulless monsters craving flesh. I guess that could be applied to “The Jersey Shore,” too. But I digress.

If you can’t let at least some other form of entertainment into your repertoire, then I guess I have a rating for you: You get the next six months of your life surrounded by six people with six different fanaticisms. Each person’s crazy obsession will be different, but they’ll all be something you don’t find interesting at all.

And none of these people will shut up about what they’re crazy for.

So hopefully this craze will die down enough for me to breathe a little, or I hope it will at least stop affecting the intellectually challenged.

Are you ready to tell me why I’m wrong? Or do you have a good alternative to the zombie craze? Let everyone know by following The Skewed Review on Twitter @TheSkewedReview, and “like” The Skewed Review on Facebook at Facebook.com/TheSkewedReview.

How To Cartoon Politically - By Matty Jacobson

THE SKEWED REVIEW -- The overall look of an editorial cartoon can sometimes seem silly and juvenile—whether it be because of the obvious biases, the sometimes scratchy handwriting, or the caricatured representations of public figures.

But the actual work that goes into creating that single story-telling panel can actually be daunting. There are so many factors that come into play when creating a cartoon that not only has to have a political message, but also be somewhat entertaining. I’d like to guide you through a step-by-step process, and perhaps you can come up with something to share with the readers of Dixie Sun.

1. Know your point of view

There are people who definitely prefer to be the peacekeepers, and there are those who tend to steer completely clear of conflict altogether. If you fall into this category, then perhaps creating an editorial cartoon isn’t for you.

The best politically focused cartoons come from artists and writers who have a definable position on a topic. Pretending to have an opinion can only get a person so far. It won’t take long before you’re out of ideas if you’re a fence-sitter. You need to be the kind of person who can get extremely excited about some things and terribly disappointed in others.

If you approach creating a cartoon with this mentality, then your readers should know where you stand on an issue based on the product you show them.

2. Keep up with the Kardashians

And the Clintons, and the Baldwins, and the Ahmadinejads. If you’re not focusing your cartoon on something current, then you’re most likely going to end up with a “Family Circus” knock-off.

Watch the news, read the papers, peruse the blogs—do whatever it takes to keep yourself current. By keeping current with the news, you’re actually setting yourself up to succeed at step No. 3.

3. Focus on everything ridiculous

Paying attention to the news is all fine and dandy, but you need to keep a special eagle eye out for moments you can make fun of. Why on earth do you think President George W. Bush was re-elected? It was because all the political cartoonists out there were striking gold on a daily basis.

President Obama has had a few gaffs as well. It wasn’t too long ago he made a toast to the Queen of England—in the middle of the British national anthem. To a political cartoonist, that’s the equivalent of handing a book of matches to a pyromaniac and then daring him to burn the city down.

4. Know how to make fun

It simply won’t do to re-tell the exact same story everyone else has been seeing on the news. As an editorial cartoonist, you need to take the common news and put your own spunky spin on it.

Let's use Obama as an example again. It was obviously just a simple mistake when he interrupted the British national anthem; he certainly didn’t do it on purpose. So you can run with that. Perhaps you can have a cartoon titled, “The rest of Obama’s British visit,” and then draw him making social faux pas in ridiculous situations.

You could draw him sneezing into the Queen’s tea, then draw him comparing Prime Minister David Cameron to Austin Powers, and finally show him meeting the Duchess of Cambridge (a.k.a. Kate Middleton) while asking, “And who are you?”

5. You’ve got to doodle-doo

Now I’ve seen my fair share of political cartoons, so I can tell you right now that you don’t have to be a talented artist to pull one of these off. However, you do have to have some sort of flair for drawing imitations of public figures. And if you find your rendition of a certain political person isn’t quite recognizable, you can easily throw a name badge onto your drawing.

You’ll want to sketch it out in pencil first, just in case you make an error. Then you can decide to make your cartoon color or black and white. I started out with the simple black and white format, then I started coloring in my characters with sharpies. Now I use watercolor. The medium is completely up to you. I bet a political cartoon colored with crayons would be a hit.

6. Once is not enough

The very first political cartoon I ever drew was in junior high. Trust me when I tell you it was the equivalent of manure in its first stage. Because I was so unsuccessful at that first cartoon, I was hesitant to do it again. It wasn’t until college that I decided to take another shot at it.

My first cartoon of the year was OK, but it certainly was lacking. However, as the weeks have gone by, I’ve found the concepts come to me much easier, and my art is improving. Just be prepared to make a few mistakes.

So do you think you’ve got it in you to at least come up with one editorial cartoon? We’d love to see it! Share it on our Facebook page at Facebook.com/Dixie.sun.