June Podcast Pick: Judge John Hodgman

Tweet

The Skewed Review is independent and does not receive
 endorsements. The creators of "Judge John Hodgman" have
 not contacted, nor have been contacted by,
 The Skewed Review editorial staff. This review is
 the opinion of TSR's writers and is not a
 paid promotion. Those interested in listening to
 "Judge John Hodgman" can click the photo
to be taken to its iTunes listing.

So, you watch Comedy Central to get your news, you say? Then you're most likely familiar with one John Hodgman, of "The Daily Show" fame.

And you say you're a fan of "Judge Judy?" What's wrong with you??

In our second consecutive Maximum Fun podcast pick, we'd like to highlight this shimmering beacon of fake courtroom fun: Judge John Hodgman.

Like Judy, John hears ridiculous cases from neurotic laymen and rules in favor of some asinine  premise (like whether or not to kill a house full of bats or if bad movies should be shown during a "bad movie" get together).

Unlike Judy, John's rulings have absolutely no legal standing and there's zero enforcement of his decisions. That being said, it sure is awesome to hear people bring disputes to Judge H. like what constitutes a certain star rating on a personal list of movies, and should girlfriends be allowed to partake in a local mud run.

The best parts of the podcast happen when John Hodgman legitimately laughs at something. You'll hear it coming. It will sound like this and will usually be prompted by bailiff Jesse Thorn:

Jesse: ...if he knows how to tie a bow tie correctly!

Silence...

John: ..... HA!

The amount of pretentious hipsters that manage to get on air are reason enough to listen. So go. Go listen to a few episodes. And please feel free to leave suggestions for podcasts in the comments section below!

Fabutrash Film of the Week: 'Cecil B. Demented'

Tweet

How do Ricky Lake, Melanie Griffith, Maggie Gyllenhaal and Patty Hearst all fit together? The answer is "Cecil B. Demented."

This will be the first of a long string of Fabutrash films directed by the one and only John Waters. Waters was famous for his early '70s work that dropped jaws when people dropped trou. If you've seen "Pink Flamingos," then you'll know what makes John Waters a force to be reckoned with.

As the years went by, Waters gathered quite a big cult following, and he's managed to grab a few A-list actors to star in his B movies.

"Cecil B. Demented" follows a group of guerilla filmmakers, headed by Stephen Dorff, who set out to kidnap a stuffy actress, Melanie Griffith, and force her to star in their independent film.

They set Baltimore ablaze in chaos as they wreck family features and film council luncheons in order to get the perfect shot. And yes, Maggie Gyllenhaal plays the cute as a button Satan-worshipping Raven.

Waters puts his fascinations with Stockholm Syndrome to work as we watch Griffith's character Honey Whitlock turn from kidnapped bitch to ravenous indie maniac. There's even a scene that looks like it might as well be plucked from the life of Patty Hearst.

Patty Hearst, by the way, was lucky when John Waters decided to befriend her. She's had gigs acting in his films ever since.

But don't take my word for it. Check out for yourself the absolute Fabutrash that is the "Cecil B. Demented" preview.





You guessed it. A Waters' film like this can only get a five out of five Fabutrash rating. It's on iTunes. Go buy it. Watch it twice. Tell me how you feel afterward. If you don't instantly want to go blow up the nearest movie theater, then my advice would be to watch it again and again until you do.

April Podcast Pick: 'Throwing Shade'

Tweet

The Skewed Review is independent and does not receive 
endorsements. The creators of "Throwing Shade" have
 notcontacted, nor have been contacted by, 
The SkewedReview editorial staff. This review is 
the opinion of TSR's writers and is not a 
paid promotion. Those interested inlistening to 
"Throwing Shade" can click the photo to be
taken to its iTunes listing.

If feminism and gay activism hooked up and had a child with A.D.H.D. and Tourette's syndrome, that baby would be "Throwing Shade."

How do I describe something as horrible and wonderful as "Throwing Shade?" There's no way I can do it justice through words. You must, must download a few episodes and listen for yourself.

You know that friend you have who needs to be wrangled all the time? You know who I'm talking about. It's that person who goes into theatrics over every little thing because he or she thinks it's entertaining. And there's always someone around to say, "OK, calm down now."

Well, "Homosensual" Bryan Safi (remember him from "That's Gay?" ...Yeah, me neither) is that person. He is wholly out of control, and I love it.

But you'd better believe when it's time for someone to jump in and tell Safi to settle down, you can bet your butt plug that "Feminasty" Erin Gibson will, well, do the exact opposite.

The two play so well together, and they fuel each other's flames. How on earth have I gotten this far in the article without mentioning what the podcast is actually about? Jesus, it's like Erin and Bryan are rubbing off on me.

So Gibson and Safi break down the week's news that pertains to "ladies and gays." When DOMA pops up and Republican politicians start ranting about "legitimate rape," the "Throwing Shade" duo is there to tell us why it sucks, and probably how to suck, and what sucking will get you, and how much the going rate per hour is for sucking, and then some other tangent.

This podcast gets five out of five Fabutrashes. It's hands-down my favorite podcast I've ever found. So go give them some love.

Fabutrash Film of the Week: Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band

Tweet

There's no disputing that one of the greatest (if not the greatest) bands of all time is The Beatles.

Their music is classic and covers such a wide variety of genres. There's at least five Beatles songs that can speak to any one person at any given time, and that's a statistical fact.

You can find a Beatles song to match any mood, and since their music is basically the soundtrack to our lives, then of course it's a good idea to string together all The Beatles' songs and make it into a story, right?

All the characters are there. Billy Shears, Strawberry Fields, Mean Mr. Mustard, Mr. Kite and even Lucy and the Diamonds. The story almost writes itself.

Which I think may have been what screenwriter Henry Edwards thought was going to happen when he decided to draft a rock opera of sorts complied of Beatles music. That movie is "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band," and it is sill one of my all-time favorite pieces of crap to this day.

The story is about Billy Shears, played by Peter Frampton, who starts a band with his buddies Mark, Dave and Bob Henderson, otherwise known as the BeeGees. They form Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, which is actually a reboot of a band that was a staple in the town of Heartland, USA since the '20s.

The only speaking role throughout the whole film is George Burns as Mayor Kite. He narrates the whole thing so the audience doesn't get completely lost throughout the convoluted story that's the result of taking a bunch of songs and attempting to string them into a plot.

So Billy Shears and the Hendersons are offered a contract in Hollywood. They head out there as quick as their hot air balloon can take them, and as soon as they arrive, they meet Lucy and the Diamonds. Well, this is all grand for Billy, but what about Billy's love back at home? Poor Strawberry Fields!

Hollywood of course ends up corrupting the boys as much as Frampton and the BeeGees can be corrupted. Which translates to them getting drugged one night and tricked into signing a contract.

Well, while they're off making musical hits like "Oh, Darling," it turns out the villain of the movie, FVB, has recruited a slew of nasties to steal the original Sgt. Pepper's instruments because, you know... uh... that's what FVB does.

Said nasties include Frankie Howerd as Mean Mr. Mustard, a disgruntled real estate agent who takes over Heartland and turns it into the equivalent of Reno; Father Sun, a bestached Alice Cooper who brainwashes adults into worshipping money and hating love; and an odd and out-of-place Steve Martin as Dr. Maxwell, who transforms old, ugly people into beautiful young boy scouts.

And oh, FVB themselves are played by none other than Aerosmith. And if you think that's badass, then you'll probably faint from sheer badassery when you realize FVB stands for, wait for it, Future Villain Band!

Bam!

The music is the best part of this whole shebang. If you want to know what The Beatles might sound like during the age of disco, then "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band"is for you. Stargard's rendition of "Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds" alone is worth all the glitter and and unitards in the world.

Peter Frampton and the Bee Gee's acting skills are so sub par that it makes community theater look like Broadway. And the costumes! Oh, the costumes. Simply writing about it doesn't do it justice at all. You have to see it to believe it.



Yeah. Image 113 minutes of that!

This film is so bad that's it's just wonderfully good. There's greed, drugs, RVs, wheelbarrows full of money, arcades, motorcycle gangs, singing manequins, "Star Wars" nods, giant spinning vinyl record beds, magic, singing robots, hookers and death. Oh, and this movie answers the age old question: "When you die, is your soul a completely different race?" The answer, my friends, is yes. Yes, it is. You'll know what I'm talking about when you get to the end of the flick.

"Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" is getting a 3 1/2 out of 5 Fabutrash rating. I'm surprised there wasn't a sequel! I guess the filmmakers just decided to Let It Be.

Hee hee. See what I did there?

Fabutrash: 'Berserk!' is Craaaazy

Tweet

Listen, if you and I are going to be friends, then there's something you'll need to know about me.

I'm addicted to HRF.

HRF, or Hollywood Royalty Fabutrash, is a drug that comes in the form of most wonderful actors' and actresses' attempts at staying relevant in their twilight years. This drug is usually produced by actors who love their art so much that they continue to take on roles, even if those roles are in campy and poorly-written whodunnits like "Berserk!"

And, ladies and gentlemen, the fabulous Ms. Joan Crawford is one of the leading producers of HRF. Crawford is cemented into American culture because she was, indeed, a prodigious actress in her time, and titles like "Mildred Pierce" and "Grand Hotel" will live on in infamy.

And she even managed to crank out some pretty successful films in her later years. Just because she got old doesn't mean she got tired. I mean, look at "What Ever Happened To Baby Jane?" I personally think that's one of her best films and one of the greatest films of all time.

But enough about my hard-on for Joan. I want to get into the meat of this particular Fabutrash pick of the Week: "Berserk!"

The film follows the ringmaster of a travelling circus, played by Crawford. She's a whip-cracking task master to boot, and costume designer Jay Hutchinson Scott was obviously tasked with trying to make an aging Joan Crawford look sexy by putting her in some sort of Beyonce "Single Ladies" leotard that really accentuated Joan's huge head and mismatched petit body. Scott definitely failed. But this isn't about the costumes.

Crawford's character Monica Rivers is sort of down on her luck. Her show isn't doing that well and she's grasping at straws (or whips) to find some way to increase audience numbers. Then, people in her circus start dying.

As the saying goes, sex sells. But since live sex acts weren't about to be a part of Monica Rivers' circus (those would be performed with her young-enough-to-be-her-grandson boy toy behind closed doors), then I guess bizarre acts of violence had to take center ring, as it were.

But who's responsible for killing the circus performers while they're performing? Is it Monica Rivers' little sex slave? Is it the sex slave's jealous admirer? (That bitch!) Is it Monica herself?

All we know is someone is killing circus performers, and there's about a dozen suspects with just as many motives.

Now, this premise on its own actually isn't that bad. But the script, oh the script, makes "Berserk!" a piece of Hollywood trash that's been haphazardly frothed with gold spray paint. You'll find such snot-covered gems like Joan saying, "The French Revolution could have been avoided if Louis XVI had given the people a reason to celebrate," to which her little boy toy answers, "Don't forget what happened to Marie Antoinette."

And don't expect corny dialogue to rule the day, either. "Berserk!" is cut with scenes from actual circus performances that have nothing to do with the plot other than, well, they're circus performances. When I watched this movie, I felt like I was flipping back and forth between a Joan Crawford B-Movie and 1960s stock footage of Ringling Brothers. In fact, I bet if all the unnecessary juggling, tightrope walking and elephant riding shots were cut, "Berserk" would probably be about 20 minutes long.

I'm not going to give the ending away per se, but I am going to give you a big clue. So if you're that intent on watching "Berserk!" to see who the mysterious killer of circus acts is, then I give you permission to leave.

The No. 1 reason "Berserk!" was chosen as the Fabutrash Pick of the Week is because of the killer and the killer's motive.

I suspect screenplay writers Aben Kandel and Herman Cohen saw William Castle's "Strait-Jacket," which also starred Joan Crawford, and thought: "Wow! I didn't see that coming! Hey, I've got an idea! Let's do the exact same thing with the exact same character."

Yup. If you've seen "Strait-Jacket," then you'll see how "Berserk" has, well, the same ending, only with a far less plausible and far more ridiculous motive.

I'm rating "Berserk" 2 1/2 out of 5 Fabutrashes for being fabulously kitschy. I'd give it more if it weren't for all the unnecessary elephant ass shots.

Do you have any suggestions for Fabutrash Films? Let us know! "Like" our Facebook page and post suggestions to our wall, and follow us on Twitter and use the hashtag #FabutrashSuggestions.

March Podcast Pick: Risk! True Tales Boldly Told

Tweet

"The Skewed Review" is independent and does not
receive endorsements. The creators of "Risk" have not
contacted, nor been contacted by, The Skewed Review
editorial staff. This review is the opinion of TSR's
writers and is not a paid promotion. Those interested
in listening to "Risk!" can click the photo to be
taken to its iTunes listing.

You know that story about the time you did that thing to that person in that place?

You know, that story. It's the story you wouldn't tell your best friend because it's that embarrassing. Or maybe it's a story that brings up so much emotion that you can't bring yourself to tell someone else. Or maybe it's a story that you just don't think anyone else would be interested in.

No matter how bizarre your life experiences are, there's always someone who experiences something equally as unusual. That's why I've found a new love in the form of the podcast, "RISK! True tales, boldly told."

This podcast, part of MaximumFun.org's lineup, features a collection of different people telling funny, creepy, awe-inspiring, awkward, explicit and often x-rated true stories.

It's sort of like "This American Life" on NPR, only 10 times better because the storytellers actually swear and go into seriously graphic details when it comes to sexual exploitations.

Before I really started listening to this podcast, I assumed it would be a lot of recounting of life experiences that would make my drug- and sex-addled life tame in comparison. But in all actuality, it just made me realize that we all share similar journeys.

Of all the odd stories I've listened to, I've been able to relate to almost every single one.

This podcast offers a wide array of emotions in every episode. While you can expect to hear some seriously hilarious stuff, be forewarned that there's emotional anecdotes, too. You could be laughing your ass off at one moment and then choking back tears the next.

I think this is the most humanizing podcast I've ever listened to. I definitely recommend you listen to just a few episodes. Look for the "Live At" episodes; they're the ones that will make you laugh the most. The "Best Of" episodes are a great springboard into the series, as well.

I'm rating "Risk! True Tales Boldly Told" with four out of five FABS for being not only hilarious, but also for bringing reality to the podcasting realm in a way that makes me feel like a normal person.

Fabutrash: 'Shock Treatment' quintessential bad sequel

Tweet

Some may say "The Godfather Part II" is the best sequel of all time. Well, I beg to differ.

OK, so when I say "best," you know I mean "so horrible that it's the most wonderful thing in the world." That sequel comes in the form of the 1981 gem, "Shock Treatment."

The story follows Brad and Janet Majors, who apparently got married despite all the cross dressing, cannibalistic, gay alien monster sex they endured/enjoyed in 1975's "Rocky Horror Picture Show."

Well, the night of sweet transvestites and time warping must have had some effect because "Shock Treatment" shows the married couple in trouble--and looking for help.

So who else would they turn to than the local television studio? In almost a decade before reality TV became, well, a reality, "Shock Treatment" puts a whole town inside a studio and turns the camera on them as they eat, sleep, sing and make generally racist remarks ("Your father doesn't like Mexicans!).

And the whole cast from "Rocky Horror" returns! Well, except for Tim Curry, Barry Bostwick, Susan Sarandon and Meatloaf, of course. But hey, Richard O'Brien, Patricia Quinn, Nell Campbell and Charles Gray all make their returns--and none of them are playing the same role. Or are they?

Only diehard "Rocky Horror" fans will see the connection between O'Brien & Quinn's roles as Drs. Cosmo and Nation McKinley and their RHPS characters of Riff Raff and Magenta. The two play "character actors" who had a "series" in another country, and their little "groupie" Nurse Ansalong bears a quirky resemblance to Columbia.

But all that aside, it's the horribly wonderful story I like to focus on.

The plot is so convoluted that even Gregory Maguire would call for some clarification. (If you don't know who Gregory Maguire is, then count yourself lucky. If you're just that curious, please feel free to read my review on his awful, awful, awful books.)

Brad and Janet need counseling. So they go to a television show. But the television show is really just a ruse. But the ruse is also a ruse. And... what the HELL is going on? Oh well, at least it's full of catchy tunes like "Me" and "Little Black Dress!"

This film is the epitome of unintentional kitsch and accidental bad taste. It's wonderful. I'm rating it five out of five fabutrashes! Good job Ricky O'Brien! I'm crossing my fingers for a trilogy before you die!

Disney Consumes LucasFilms, Episode VII Gets Cast - By Richard Briggs

Richard Briggs contributes to The Skewed Review.

Tweet

THE SKEWED REVIEW | ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT

The news that Disney had purchased Lucasfilm from George Lucas was alarming to so many people, including Mark Hamill (the original Luke Skywalker).

            

And Disney didn’t even tease us. “Star Wars Episode VII” is going to happen.

            

So much continual speculation will happen between now and May 2015, but I’d still like to add in my own speculation and desires for the new trilogy. After all, I’ve been watching the movies, playing the video games and reading the books since I was a kid, so this universe is special to me as well.

            

The immediate speculation is in regard to the movie’s plot and which characters will take part. There are the Big Four characters who are the only ones that really matter when it comes to the casting: Han Solo, Princess Leia, Lando Calrissian and, of course, Luke Skywalker.

            

I have the storyline in mind that I hope they go with (though it’s unlikely the writers will choose the one I’m thinking), but the casting of these four characters matters a little bit more. I went in-depth with two friends on the potential actors, and after our deliberations here is my fantasy cast: 

            

Han Solo: Gerard Butler

ipernity.com

Wikimedia Commons

The majority of the film’s popularity will hinge on the choice of which actor will play Han Solo. Without a doubt Han is the most popular character from the original trilogy, and having to fill Harrison Ford’s shoes will be a daunting task.

            

I scurried through American actors who could play this role with one friend, and we came up with Bradley Cooper and Ryan Reynolds, both risky picks. But then I thought, what actor embodies a lot of what Harrison Ford was during the Han Solo and Indiana Jones days? That’s when I went to Sam Worthington from “Clash of the Titans.” Then another friend said, “If we’re going to go with a non-American, Gerard Butler has more panache than Sam Worthington.”

            

Indeed he’s right about that.

            

Butler has the swagger and comedic timing to be Han Solo. He kind of already looks like a scruffy-looking nerfherder.

Princess Leia: Maggie Gyllenhaal

            

Michael Connors
Wikimedia Commons

As I was surfing the Internet to hear more buzz and see others’ ideas for casting (most of which are not realistic casts and copy “The Avengers” cast) I saw that I wasn’t alone in this idea. It made me feel like my choice was credible to bring in the Rachel Dawes of “The Dark Knight.”

            

All of my friends did not like Gyllenhaal as the replacement for Katie Holmes in “The Dark Knight,” and sometimes maybe I didn’t either. Perhaps it’s because Gyllenhaal just isn’t as hot as Holmes.

            

Because of that I think we sometimes forget that Gyllenhaal’s Rachel Dawes was much more authoritative and believable as a lawyer than Holmes’ Rachel Dawes.

            

Gyllenhaal has the look and personality to fit Princess Leia perfectly. She’s courageous, attractive (not jaw-dropping hot), and I can see her wearing Leia’s hair style from “Empire Strikes Back.” That movie is where you actually see Leia commanding troops, so that’s the hairstyle I envision Leia wearing when establishing the New Republic in episodes VII, VIII and IX.

         

Lando Calrissian: Donald Faison

            

lukeford.net
Wikimedia Commons

I probably got a little ridiculous with this pick, but after hearing Faison say on “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon” that his dream role would be to play Lando Calrissian in a “Star Wars” origin story, I had to make the pick. Plus, how can this clip from “Scrubs” not make convince you? 

            

Faison will have to “be smooth,” but to see him playing his dream role of Lando Calrissian would make me happy. I know he would love the role so much that he would dive into it and be Lando.

            

Luke Skywalker: Leonardo DiCaprio

            

Colin Chou
Wikimedia Commons

I took a lot of heat from my friends for this pick, but I feel like there’s something here. It’s a role that’s totally different than anything Leo has done before, and the risk is that all anyone will see is the guy from “Titanic,” but to be Luke Skywalker to wrap his rather successful career would be interesting to see.

            

Leo speaks well, he’s done super-dramatic roles and no one hates watching him. That’s the last thing Leo needs to do in his career is go from “Nobody hates me” to “Everyone loves me.”

            

A space opera (a genre within the science fiction genre) is something that Leo has never tried, and if he were to put on the all-black jump suit that Luke Skywalker wears in “Return of the Jedi” while wielding the classic green lightsaber, he would become loved.

            

Plus, if Disney goes with the storyline from the books based five years after “Return of the Jedi,” Luke Skywalker has a lightsaber duel with a clone of himself. How awesome would it be to see Leonardo DiCaprio battling Leonardo DiCaprio with lightsabers?

I don’t live under some guise where I believe this cast is actually possible. I don’t know the connections of Hollywood and who likes working with whom. But this cast is realistic, and the actors I chose fit the classic roles so well. “The Avengers 2” is set for a May 2015 release, and now we have the next “Star Wars” to look forward to. Unbelievable.

I Hereby Resign From Dixie Sun News (But Not Really) - By Matty Jacobson

Matty Jacobson edits and contributes to The Skewed Review

THE SKEWED REVIEW | NEWS & POLITICS | ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT |  HEALTH & WELLNESS | COLLEGE LIFE | ACTIVISM


Tweet

I've heard it can take a lifetime to figure out what occupation would perfectly suit you. Well, it's taken me less than three years to find out exactly what I don't want to do.

When I signed on to be a writer for our college newspaper in 2008, I was a bright-eyed, bushy-tailed non-traditional student with a backpack stuffed with fresh life views and glitter, and pockets filled with hope, wonder and stardust.

So basically I was a 27-year-old My Little Pony.

Journalism, as I knew it then, was an outlet for creative storytellers like myself to relay the tales of astonishing events and perplexing people. I was so familiar with Vogue and Rolling Stone. I knew the authors of these captivating articles must love their jobs; they get to travel, they get to meet interesting people, and they get paid to write it all down for others to enjoy.

But little did I know that journalism is entirely founded upon a "break, then remake" principle. The first article I wrote for Dixie State College's Dixie Sun was hacked to pieces by the editors with little more than a huff and a demand for a revised version of my once beautiful piece of art. I distinctly remember writing the article and thinking to myself that the imagery I'd painted with my words, the way in which I phrased my questions, and the presentation of the entire package made what would have otherwise been an utterly bland bowl of cold porridge a 17-course gourmet tasting dinner.

But embellishments, especially any meant to make reading a news article even remotely pleasant, are highly frowned upon, apparently. I was told to trash the gourmet meal and scrounge up my most mediocre version of gruel.

And since then? Well, I've become so ingrained with the formulaic, expressionless form of so-called news writing that I sometimes fear my creative tank is just a tick or two above E. But that's how they want it.

After my first article was butchered, I remember thinking (and even exclaiming aloud in a fit of passion), "No wonder the newspaper industry is dying!"

Almost all creativity housed within me has since been extracted and discarded, and the empty shell that was once full of music, art, poetry, fashion and culture was then refilled with word counts, deadlines, grammatical purism, and Associated Press rules.

There are myriad things I'd rather be doing. I want to sketch, draw, color and paint. I want to play music, sing, act and dance. I want to write poetry and stories and read them aloud. I want to leave this life of drudgery behind.

So the question still remains: Why would I continue doing something I've come to loathe so much?

It's such a conundrum, and also a tragedy, because I've essentially sacrificed my creativity for a chance to climb the editorial ladder. After just one semester on staff, I was offered the position of arts & entertainment editor. It was the proverbial carrot dangling in front of me, and wouldn't you know it? I was the perfect horse's ass. I mean, how awesome would it be to be the editor of arts & entertainment? What a title!

Yes, I was drawn by the small amount of authority it would give me. I won't lie. That editor title was like the power of Greyskull. It turned my meager prince Adam into the mighty He-Man and stuck a giant tiger named Battlecat between my legs.

Well, I already had that second part taken care of. But I digress.

The glory of my editorship was short-lived. It turned out to be little more than an arranger of articles whose job it was to keep track of ten other people and do just as much additional research each week.

Was I tricked into taking a position that I now know was only vacant because the amount of time needed to fulfill the duties takes up double the amount of time regular schoolwork does? Maybe last year I would have called it a conspiracy theory, but now I think it was a bit premeditated--especially considering the offer came along with a note of encouragement that I'm perfect Editor-in-Chief material.

So, like the good little pet I apparently am, I stayed on, climbing the ranks. And here I am today: the Editor-in-Chief. And what do I have to show for it? Well, a load of student debt that'll take me triple the amount of years to pay off as it did to incur, for one thing. I also get my very own jail cell, which happens to have a computer in it. And every day I get to edit other people's work and do to them what was done to me. I don't even get a day off of cutting down the staffers' work and spirit. I pare away the creativity of others and assure that our readers get nothing less than the equivalent of something even David Copperfield wouldn't want if offered seconds.

And no, I'm not talking about the magician. Unfortunately, I've put myself in a position where I need to explain those sorts of things. After all, I'm only allowed to write for the lowest reading level one can get away with while attending college. And from what I've seen, I'd say that's around fourth or fifth grade.

So why stay? Well, I have committed myself. One thing I've come to loathe during my time as an ignored journalist is a quitter. I despise writers who quit. I despise sources who cancel. I despise readers  whose attention span doesn't extend beyond a paragraph or two if I'm writing about anything other than Britney Spears' vagina.

At this point in this article, I can only assume I've managed to shake off those readers with more important things to do, like watch "Keeping Up With the Kardashians," I guess. Hopefully I'm with like-minded company by now.

I've realized my passion isn't embedded somewhere in the dark recesses of this dying medium. I'm not the get-the-answers-at-any-cost kind of guy. I'm a reflective sort. Yes, I seek the truth. But I also analyze it. And unless I'm employed at a 24-hour cable news network, then there's little room for analysis when I'm reporting on the latest beauty pageant. At this point, I'm only here because I'm a man of my word, or at least I'm striving to be.

Perhaps I have much to atone for. I've not been known to be a man of solid promises in the past. I was never really one who could be counted upon to do anything other than drugs. But I am determined to prove to myself I can see through any task, even one as daunting and life-extinguishing as this.

I'll end on a positive note, though. I'm flexing my creative muscles in an attempt to regain what I feel was lost over the past three and half years. I'm putting the finishing touches on, as cliche as it is, a novel. Please, hold your laughter for when you see me in person. Even if it's at my expense, the sound of merriment still manages to alleviate my torture--even if just by a fraction.

My book is essentially my story, but super fictionalized. All the elements of my life are there--plus time travel. And no, it's not some brooding love story about a teenage boy who falls in love with a sparkly time traveller. However, I don't make any promises that references to such stories aren't mentioned and subsequently bashed in my novel.

It's as serious as a story about time travelling can be, which, when you think about it, is pretty serious. I mean, Michael J. Fox nearly lost his hand while playing "Johnny B. Goode" for the class of '55 because of it.

But in all actuality, I had to take my pent up sarcasm that's lost on a collegiate audience and put it somewhere. So while my tale is a serious one, it's a serious one from the point of view of a very sardonic and facetious person.

Think "Girl With the Dragon Tattoo" if it were full of "That's what she said jokes" and time-travelling drag queens.

So for those of you who managed to get this far in an article that in itself could be a novel, I hope it pays off. I'm going to publish the prologue of my book on this website next month. I'm sure there'll be an inclination to give me feedback, and if you think you must then I'm not going to stop you. But I am hoping the story will intrigue you enough that you'll want to purchase the rest of the book. I'm going to be listing it for 99 cents.

Will it be the next "Tale of Two Cities?" Probably not. Hell, I don't even expect it to get to "Disco Bloodbath" fame, which really only found its cult following after Macualay Culkin, Seth Green,  and Marilyn Manson did a film version of it. But that's neither here nor there. I'm just hoping you'll enjoy the prologue enough to seek the rest of the book.

Thanks for staying with me, and thanks for giving me the drive to regain my creativity.

Peace out, bitches.

From The Archives: Halloween--The Perfect Time To Train A Pussy? - By Matty Jacobson

Matty Jacobson edits and contributes to
The Skewed Review.

THE SKEWED REVIEW | ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT | HEALTH & WELLNESS | COLLEGE LIFE
Tweet

The future of the human race is bound for sissyism, so let's just get used to it right now.

My roommates and I have been preparing our house for the upcoming Halloween holiday, and let me tell you it's a trick-or-treater's dream. Our house has a black light show, glow-in-the-dark spider webs, a graveyard out front, realistically gory props, and dozens of jack-o-lanterns. On top of that we've got the good candy at our house.

All of this is great for the neighborhood children, assuming their parents let them go trick-or-treating these days.

But for all the money we spent on decorations this year, I fear we may not be using much of the décor to spook the local kids. Kids these days are just a bunch of sissies who are being raised by overprotective parents, and this could lead to little or no trick-or-treaters at our front door. This could also lead to a future of jelly-spined wimps, but I'll get to that later.

Every Halloween I remember my own childhood. I recall getting all decked out in whatever costume I'd picked off the Kmart shelf that year and heading out the door with my siblings and friends to get that load of candy.

I distinctly remember we were never out before the sun set, and neither were the rest of the neighborhood kids for that matter.

Our costumes were almost exclusively black, so we blended into the night perfectly. No car would have seen us. And back then flashlights were for the rich kids. No, we all depended on the street lamps for illumination, if in fact there were any.

We'd be out for hours on end, and there were never any Amber Alerts in our honor. When we came home my parents never checked my candy unless it was to unwrap it and eat it themselves, and there were a couple of years when I returned home after my parents were already asleep. Big surprise, the authorities were not notified.

Those were the good old days.

Today, however, that story has changed. Halloween is no longer the blissfully demonic night when kids roamed the streets until all hours gathering candy and toilet papering houses. Now, at 4 p.m. you'll see kids waddling down the street with both parents in tow. The kids' chubby little hands will be full of lit flashlights (despite it being daytime), iPhones (in case someone has to call 9-1-1), and maybe even a bag for gathering candy. You'll never be able to figure out what their costumes are because they're wrapped in so much Day-Glo reflective tape that they look like radioactive mummies. The whole excursion will be done in about an hour because the kids won't be allowed out after dark.

And that's if the children are allowed to go trick-or-treating at all. In my neighborhood there is an event called "trunk-or-treat" where the neighborhood parents park their cars in a church parking lot and hand out candy from the trunks of their vehicles.

Oh yeah, that's a lot of fun. 

I actually participated in this event last year for my brother's kids. Since there are only a certain amount of cars you can fit in a parking lot, the kids would just go in continuous circles collecting the same candy from the same cars over and over and over again.

That kind of monotony breeds serial killers people!

I'm pulling out the time-machine review for this one. Overprotective parents who never let their children out of their sight should get whisked away to their own childhoods. The catch is they will have to live their childhoods the way they raise their children. It's a perspective thing.

But it isn't just Halloween. As a society we are on a slippery slope to creating a world full of whiners.

Everyone has to have a fair chance and nobody is allowed to get his or her feelings hurt. What does it teach the adults of the future when the adults of today make everything out to be villainous? I'll tell you: It teaches those kids to be scared of everything and rely on other people far too much.

I mean, look at me! I love to whine, and I wasn't even raised by overprotective parents. Imagine if I had?

I know most of you are years away from having children, but you need to start conditioning yourselves today to raise the society of tomorrow.

When you are sitting in the old folks' home watching 24-hour cable news, do you really want to see a world infested with people wearing bike reflectors in the day and helmets while walking around? What about people who don't keep score in games anymore because that would hurt someone's feelings, or people who don't venture out at night because there may be a murderer around every corner?

The only possible upside I see to this future is that any predatory traits will definitely be bred out of people because everyone in the future will be a sniveling sissy.

Here's hoping there are at least a couple of parents in my neighborhood who will allow their kids to come trick-or-treating so we can show off our really super-rad Halloween house to at least somebody.

Wigs Are Nature's Prozac - By Matty Jacobson

THE SKEWED REVIEW | ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT | HEALTH & WELLNESS | COLLEGE LIFE | ACTIVISM 


Tweet

I recently came upon a two-for-one deal that I couldn't pass up: I found a box set of "Rocky Horror Picture Show" and its lesser known, lesser appreciated sequel, "Shock Treatment."

While the merits, casting, songs and coherence of "RHPS" far outweigh those of "ST," I still can't help but love the kitschy follow-up because, naturally, I simply adore horrible cinema.

But while annals of Skewed Reviews could be dedicated to the joys of B-movie awesomeness, this particular review is not about so-bad-they're-good films. This review was sparked by the first line of the first verse of a song called "Little Black Dress" from the aforementioned "Shock Treatment."

Dr. Cosmo McKinley is trying to convince Janet that she's fabulous, so he starts to sing a song about using apparel to make the world see how beautiful she really is.

He sings, "Ever since I was a little boy, dressing up has always been my greatest joy."

Well, yours truly could have sung this without a hint of irony, and anyone who's known me for even an iota of a moment would know it's the truth. Why, my closet dedicated strictly to wigs is always a threat to anyone who walks past it; the sheer volume of cheap, synthetic hair contained within is just waiting to burst and topple out on some unsuspecting passer-by.

OK, so it's not ALL wigs,
some of it is costumes and
a few styrofoam heads.

While it's true that I do have a few female wigs from Halloweens gone by, the majority of my dress-up stuff is male-oriented. I have tons of different guy wigs that I love to wear frivolously for no reason other than it's fun to have a different, extreme hair style for a few hours at a time.

There have been a few articles on the lows of depression and the stresses of anxiety, but, extreme circumstances withstanding, I've found my bluer moments can be alleviated by simply chucking a temporary coiffe atop my head. There's literally no other purpose to my owning a Broadway show's worth of hair than for my own personal enjoyment.

And what's so wrong about that?  Besides my going broke on buying bobs, of course.

The little kid in us is bred out, nay, destroyed as soon as we're able to recognize responsibility. Whether or not it's intentional, our parents, families, friends, neighbors, and society in general makes imagination a crime by the time a child becomes a teenager. It's almost as if adults simply put up with a kid's pretending to be an astronaut or a cowboy (or in my case, Glinda) until the time presents itself when the adults can call such behavior "childish."

I say damn the adults! I may be 31 years old on the outside, but I'm pretty sure I'm regressing in age on the inside. The older I get, the younger I feel. The more wrinkles that appear on my face, the more I want to defy age by dressing up. The more responsibility that's dumped in my lap, the more I want to put on a cosplay wig, pick up a magic wand, and make magical tinkling noises while I turn my dogs into dragons.

I may be in a rest home sooner than most of you, but dammit, I'm going have a lot of fun getting there.

The 5 Lies We're Telling Ourselves About "Dark Knight Rises" - by Matty Jacobson

Matty Jacobson edits and contributes to
The Skewed Review.

THE SKEWED REVIEW | ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT


Tweet

Christopher Nolan is one of the most celebrated directors of our time. The ending to "Inception" could arguably be one of the most talked about in cinematic history. And, of course, how can we not consider "The Dark Knight" as one of the best renditions of the Batman universe ever? Yes, Christopher Nolan is a genius. Let's all take a moment to bow down to him, light a candle in his honor, and slaughter the nearest goat in his name.

All done? OK. Now that we're done praising his name and all his glory, let's get down to the reasons why we're all lying to ourselves about Nolan's last installment of his Batman trilogy: "The Dark Knight Rises."

Caution: THERE ARE SPOILERS IN THIS ARTICLE, and I will undoubtedly offend many of you Nolanites who are so invested in "The Dark Knight Rises" that you're unwilling to see it's many, many, many flaws. Since I know you're already gathering your counter-arguments, then please consider writing a whole article. I will publish it if you write it.

The Successes

First, I'd like to point out the merits of "The Dark Knight Rises." I'm not a total hater, you see. But I am a comic book enthusiast, so when any adaptations leap from the pages of my cheaply printed $2.99 magazine to the big screen, I have the tendency to see how compatible said films are with the books I so love.

Let me start with what many Skewed Review fans might have been waiting for (or at least I'll pretend there are people out there who care about The Skewed Review enough to be waiting for this): Catwoman. Or, rather, Selena Kyle.

Yeah, this sexy bitch.
Oh, and Catwoman, too. 

I am a huge Catwoman fan. I wrote an entire article on why we should all strive to be like her. Granted, DC Comics has since rebooted the character of Catwoman and put her back in the role of cat burglar, but the message I was portraying in that article still remains pretty relevant. Selena Kyle may be a criminal, but she's got honor.

I was definitely leery of Nolan's decision to cast Anne Hatheway as Selena Kyle, and I pretty much dumped on the decision in this article that compared every Catwoman that we've seen brought to life. But, I might have spoken too soon.

In all actuality, Hatheway did a pretty good job portraying Catwoman. In fact, I felt as though her story in "The Dark Knight Rises" was lifted beautifully from the pages of Frank Miller's Batman story arc, "Year One." If you're not a fan of reading, then what are you doing on this website? But seriously, you can see the adapted cartoon film (not for kids!) that gives you the gist of a Catwoman who's committed to her friends but is out to get big spenders like Bruce Wayne.

Is it just me, or does it look like
Catwoman is tripping Batman? 

There's no doubt that Nolan's version of Selena Kyle was heavily influenced by Miller's Catwoman in "Year One." So, there you go. Well done. Wait, did I say "successes" earlier? Oh. I guess I meant "success." Singular. Even then, I think my approval of Selena Kyle could be chalked up to my having little or no expectations of Nolan's Catwoman to begin with. So I guess I was pleasantly surprised to see Hatheway did so well in the role.

Now onto the reason you're here in the first place: the lies we're telling ourselves. Please note, these all have to do with "The Dark Knight Rises," and not "The Dark Knight." OK? OK.

No. 5: "Batman can exist in the real world!"

Have you seen the so-called "real life superheroes" that are popping up globally? These people actually dress up in costumes and then prowl the streets. They often end up getting their asses handed to them by thugs or facing criminal charges for assault. The proof is legitimate that a costumed vigilante is nothing short of a joke in the real world.

But Christopher Nolan attempted to place Batman in as real a world as possible. That's fine, I guess, except when you look into the pages of a DC comic book and you see images like this:

That's some real world stuff right there. 

OK, fine. That's from one of my "Catwoman" titles (the only book I read now). But she's still in the Batman universe. DC knows that there's a certain amount of camp that needs to go along with costumed superheroes. In order for us to believe that there are legitimate crime fighters out there who feel the need to put on capes, then we need to suspend the belief that the rest of the world goes on with business as usual.

This is where Nolan's universe starts to crumble a bit. He devotes so much energy into making Batman work in the "real world" that, when something campy does happen, it comes across as laughable rather than believable--at least in "The Dark Knight Rises."

Take, for example, the part part in "The Dark Knight Rises" when Bane tricks the entire Gotham police force into going into the sewers below the city. Yeah, the whole force. Now, in a comic book world, this might not be so far-fetched.

In the DC universe, Gotham police are, well, pretty stupid. The only credible person associated with Gotham's Black and Whites who isn't a total dumb ass is Commissioner Gordon. This is the reason we have Batman in the first place. Obviously the people hired to watch over the city are completely incapable of doing it at all, so an emotionally scarred billionaire must pick up the slack.

But in the real world? No authority figure in his right mind would send an entire police force below ground. It would never happen. Even if Jim Gordon was hopped up on morphine in the hospital and gave ridiculous orders, there would be at least someone along the way who would say something like: "Is it really a good idea to have every single one of us go into the sewers? Shouldn't we at least have half of us stay topside, especially considering there's, like, a whole city full of people that would be left un-policed?"

Nolan needed to stop trying so damned hard to make Gotham as real as possible and at least allow for some amount of acknowledged camp. Because when you try and sell me a real world situation, then I expect real world actions and consequences.

Of course, too much camp can be, well, too much. I'm not saying Nolan should go the way of Joel Shumacher's rendition of the Batman universe. I think we can all agree that "Batman Forever" and "Batman & Robin" were two atrocities that the world could have done without. But we can look to Tim Burton's first "Batman" to gauge where good camp can balance out.

Yes, Burton's film is dated, so we must keep that in mind. But it also didn't take itself so seriously that when something comic book-esque happens (like an airplane flying between buildings in order to scoop up giant balloons filled with poison), the audience isn't left thinking, "Wha...? But, I, that wouldn't happen!"

No. 4: "The dialogue was excellent!"

"Talk about an excellent script! All of Bane's monologues were so awesome! Oh, and that exchange between Batman and Bane? Pure genius!" -- Every diluted fanboy on the Internet.

See, here's where allowing your movie to acknowledge its own campiness can come in handy. When a federal government employee sees an internationally most-wanted criminal for the first time and, for argument's sake, shouts, "Why do you wear the mask?!" then it might not come across as out-of-place in a film that, without superheroes, would be about legacy-driven terrorist acts.

But it's not just the audible dialogue that's an issue (although, it really is a huge issue).

There are whole scenes in the film where, unless you're dedicated to seeing it multiple times, characters speak to each other in ways that are wholly gibberish to a movie-goer. Yes, I get that Bane has to speak through that mask, but I could definitely understand some of his words ("What happens when you take off the mask?!" "It would be extremely painful--for you.")

So that tells me that Bane has the capability to be understood. So why couldn't he be understood the whole time? Your guess is as good as mine. And I don't seem to be the only person on earth who agrees that Christian Bale's raspy Batman voice is not only hard to understand, but also just plain goofy. So I'll leave that right there.

Please, someone send me a transcript of that final exchange between Batman and Bane. To me it just sounded like a dog barking at a broken McDonald's drive-thru speaker.

No. 3: "Oscars all around! What superb acting!"

I guess I'm the only one who will admit that Christian Bale came across as completely apathetic to the role. I honestly felt like he didn't want to be in that role. I hope his AT&T bill didn't bankrupt him considering the amount of phoning-in he had to do in order to complete this movie.

But it wasn't necessarily the main characters who drove me nuts. Like I said before, Anne Hatheway was not disappointing. Oscar-worthy? No. And Tom Hardy was pretty good as Bane. I love me some Marion Cotillard, Gary Oldman can do no wrong in my eyes (even though he pretty much did wrong in this movie), and how dare anyone call into question Michael Caine?

Actually, I believe Caine pulled out the best performance of the whole cast. But unless Caine died during filming, I don't think the Academy will be handing him any awards.

But it's the people who weren't top-billed who I took issue with. I'm talking about the random cops/EMTs/Gothamites Nolan felt the need to zoom in on at various points in the film. For example, when Batman makes his triumphant return (the first of only two times Batman actually appears in the movie), Nolan zooms in on the reactions of police officers and emergency responders. The reaction shots look like bits of a how-to film that might be shown in an improv class.

"See, students? This is what we call 'surprised!'"

The thing is, these reactionary faces happened throughout the entire film. I couldn't figure out why Nolan decided to choose random bad actors and zoom in on their faces. It was like a parade of Overactors Anonymous. Who are these people? Why are they getting this type of screen time?

No. 2: "The plot makes perfect sense."

When Nolan decided to introduce Bane, Catwoman, Robin and Talia Al Ghul into the same story, then he had to at least attempt to make all the characters fit together in some semblance of the comic book story arcs from which they are borrowed.

For example, Bane is most commonly recognized as the villain who broke Batman's back, thus putting him out of commission for as long as DC execs decided they'd had enough of their replacement Batman.

Talia Al Ghul is the daughter of Ra's Al Ghul, and she's actually the mother to Bruce Wayne's kid Damian, who would one day become Robin. And Robin, at least the first Robin, is Dick Grayson, who, apparently, does not appear in this film. Oh, and then there's Catwoman, the chick who is responsible for doing things like this:

For as many times as this
has happened, I'm surprised
Catwoman isn't a Batman
baby mamma, too.
Oh, wait a minute... 

So in order for Bane to break Batman's back, and for Catwoman to get her some Batmaction, and for Robin to essentially want to become Robin, and for Talia Al Ghul to screw Bruce Wayne, and for Ra's Al Ghul to come back to life (which is his thing in the comic books), we got a rookie cop who knows Batman's identity, convinces him to put his costume back on, but not after Bruce investigates this cat burglar, but also has to beat up a masked terrorist who is screwing Batman's girlfriend who happens to be the daughter of Batman's old nemesis and, oh, Bruce Wayne has to hallucinate Liam Neeson for about seven seconds.

Now, the definition of "contrived" can be found at, let me see, oh--at your local theater. Just go see "The Dark Knight Rises."

No. 1: "This is just as good as, if not better than, 'The Dark Knight!'"

"Batman Begins" was just too "blah" for my taste. In fact, my favorite Batman film doesn't come from Christopher Nolan at all. It's also not Tim Burton's first film, either. I'm unapologetic about my love for "Batman Returns," for this reason alone:

Pussy never looked so good. 

But, after "Batman Returns" and "Batman," I'd have to say that "The Dark Knight" is my third-favorite Batman flick. Does it suffer a bit because of the whole "this is the real world" thing? Yeah, but it wasn't so bogged down with campy comic book characters that the film came off as ridiculous. The fact that the one character, Joker, was the primary villain for the better portion of the film aided in the reality of that universe.

I will argue to this day that Heath Ledger wouldn't have got an Oscar if he hadn't died. Was his portrayal of The Joker eerie and compelling? Yes. But was it Oscar-worthy? I don't think so. But despite the sympathy award, I still love "The Dark Knight."

So it's making me a little confused when I hear fanboys saying "The Dark Knight Rises" is better. I'm sorry, but it's not. In the universe that Christopher Nolan created, "TDKR" would need to be one villain short in order to be cohesive with the rest of the franchise.

There was just too much going on in the newest film. I'm just sad that so many people behave like such sheep and give "TDKR" such praise when it doesn't deserve it. It was OK. It just wasn't this fabulous cinema treasure that warrants such fanboy praise that one can't help but think these Internet junkies are sitting at their computers without pants 24/7 in anticipation of giving "Dark Knight Rises" as much praise as possible.

But, since I know there are some of you out there who disagree with me, please take this opportunity to submit your own article. I guarantee I'll publish it as long as you stick to the guidelines.