Let's Melt The Witches of the Kardashian Koven! - By Matty Jacobson

THE SKEWED REVIEW -- I think it’s about time we execute the KKK for its crimes against humanity.

Believe it or not, I’m not talking about the Ku Klux Klan (although I wouldn’t mind seeing that entity erased from the world). I’m speaking of the wretched, vomit-inducing, no-talent Kim Kardashian Klan.

Even Barbara Walters agrees with me.

In her “10 Most Fascinating People of 2011” show, B-Wal essentially plagiarized the nation’s thoughts when she told the Kardashi-yawns: “You don’t really act. You don’t sing. You don’t dance. You don’t have any—forgive me—any talent!”

Amen Barbie! Walters’ review is 9 out of the ten spots on her 2012 list of most fascinating people. That other spot should really go to me. Call me, Babs!

Luckily, the brands that once upon a time were cheerleaders for the Kar-crash-ians are starting to follow Walter’s lead. In fact, Kim has been replaced in the upcoming Super Bowl Skechers ad by, wait for it, a French bulldog.

I can only assume it’s because Skechers executives wanted someone a little more professional who drools a little less.

Those ad execs’ review is $1 million in profit for each second that pooch lights up the screen. I’m so proud of Skechers that I’m going to go buy a pair of its shoes today—even thought I don’t need them.

The next step is up to us. We can’t rely on aging journalists and shoe companies to spell out the obvious: The Scar-gash-ians need to go.

Not only do we waste our precious hours watching them fight with each other on just one E! show, but we also pour our lives into countless spin-offs. These bandits are making money off our stupidity.

Even I was willing to watch Justin Bieber on “Entertainment Tonight” rather than give ratings to Kar-dash-of-nausia show. And trust me, when it comes to Justin, I don’t give a Bieber damn.

You have to admit: The only reason these simple-minded skanks are famous is because Kim-possible-to-listen-to was a famous lawyer’s daughter who happened to have sex with a ‘90s TV show talent’s brother—on camera. If that’s not an obscure reason for fame and fortune, then I don’t know what is.

My final review is for the Kardash-I-can’t-stand-you-anymores. I’m putting you on notice. You have exactly one week to prove to me that there’s a legitimate reason any of you should be taking up hours and hours of television time. Show me you can twirl plates. Do three consecutive flips while holding a cup of coffee. Or better yet, take all the millions you swindle from America each year and donate it to help cure cancer or AIDS.

Somehow, I doubt that’s going to happen.

Wow, America. I really want to believe we’re not so gullible as to consider there’s actual entertainment value in the forms of Kim, Kourtney, Klhoe, Kris, and, oh my lord, how many Ks can there be?

Please, I’m begging you, change the channel. We’re only encouraging them. 

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Merry Christmas and a Happy Skewed Year! - By Matty Jacobson

THE SKEWED REVIEW -- In honor of Christmas, I’ve got 12 little Skewed Reviews for you. I’ll keep it simple by presenting the subject and the subsequent rating. Merry Christmas!

Kim Kardashian: $12 million of her own money donated to a group dedicated to Keeping the Klueless from taking their marriages for granted. There are thousands of us who wish we could marry, but we don’t get that right.

Dixie Serves: 11 grateful pats on the back and a little whisper in the ear. I’ll play Jiminy Cricket here and say: “I’m loving the concept, guys! Is there any way we can go beyond property beautification and cardboard campouts? Let’s feed the hungry and give some less fortunate children a Christmas!”

Occupy Wall Street: Ten good reasons why exactly you’re protesting. And they’d better be cohesive from state to state. I have a sneaking suspicion a lot of you don’t even know what your goal is.

The Jeffery R. Holland Centennial Commons Building: Nine rounds of applause for the expedience of the project. However, it also gets nine audible “mehs” because of the missed opportunity for a really awesome architectural design.

The Republicans: Eight eliminations of presidential candidates, please!

Red Rock Café: Seven menu additions. Can we have some options besides a salad bar that are actually good for us? Heaven forbid we eat anything that hasn’t been deep-fried or covered in cheese.

Those who suddenly oppose the Lake Powell pipeline: A six-year rewind. Why are you so into it now? This pipeline was in the planning stage years ago, and a hefty portion of it has already been built. Where were you at the beginning, huh?

St. George City Council: Five new members! Local politicians are like underwear. After a while, they start to stink and make you feel uncomfortable—so you’re supposed to change them.

Barack Obama: Four more years—as far away from the White House as possible.

The Spectrum: Three cheers for its charging local people to read the online content. You could pay $9.99 per month to read The Spectrum's opinion page, or you could just read "The Skewed Review," which is free. It’s up to you and your hard-earned money.

The United States so-called Super Committee: $2 trillion cut from the U.S. deficit.  What’s that you say? You’ve already tried and failed? Well it looks like we’ve all voted for the right people to keep us on the track to destruction, I guess.

You: One more year of all this nonsense. Maybe by the time the world ends on Dec. 21, 2012, we will have our acts together and “The Skewed Review” will become obsolete. Hopefully by then the world will be wonderful enough that I’ll have nothing to complain about.